Honestly these pictures are scary. I look at them and I hardly believe that these pictures are of me. But the fact is, I still do have to believe. Because I can remember. And I can’t forget. And that makes it both really scary and really enlightening. To remember how much things just, hurt. How weak chemotherapy and radiation made me, how it was a literal test of life; that’s scary enough. But it’s also scary how I was so happy. How death wasn’t an option. How I never even considered it one. I was living despite being literally broken down piece by piece. It takes all of it out of you until all that’s left is will. And I think that’s what I’m most proud of that - that I had that will. That somehow I made it through what honestly no kid should have to deal with, three times, and was happy. And that there’s a reason I did. These pictures haunted me and I hid them because I didn’t want to look at how sick and scary I was. But that is me. I was sick and scary and now I’m alive and happy and I’d like to think I’m not so scary. I am so grateful. There will still be troubles to come because having cancer three times never really just disappears - there will be scans, there will be minor problems and worries - but I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay because of all the people that have helped me my entire life: family, friends, doctors, nurses, and everyone else. If anything, cancer didn’t do what it wanted. It tried to break me down but all it’s given me is hope. Hope that despite what something can physically do to you, it can’t harm you mentally if you fight through it.

I’m thankful for cancer because it’s made me who I am today. And I’m okay with that person even with everything crappy that’s happened.

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Posted on Monday, 4 June
Tagged as: bald ewing's leukemia remission sarcoma sick tumor me cancer self
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